...GIVING

I won’t be going off to a soup kitchen this Thanksgiving to help serve turkey dinner to those less fortunate. I admire those that do and am jealous of the satisfaction they get from doing so but I can’t. I can’t because I’m giving dinner to 23 family and extended family members at my home. None are needy, thankfully; they-- like me-- want to be near relatives and friends they care most about during the holidays. We also have three birthdays from the preceding week we will celebrate. I’m more than willing to accommodate.

I’m giving up the week to shop, pre-cook certain dishes and prepare the house for day and some overnight guests. It’s a large responsibility to take on Thanksgiving dinner for such a broad crowd not so much because of the work effort but because you have to live up to all the holiday tastes and traditions from your guests’ past experiences. I don’t really have any special recipes; I pull ideas from a combination of the NY Times food section, Martha Stewart Living and New York magazine and some online food sites each year. I love to try out new vegetable dishes for the few vegetarians at the table and to add some adventure to an otherwise basic meal of meat and potatoes. This year I was much better at the delegating too.

So at my table aside from my husband (soup and salmon) and daughter (birthday 1), there’ll be my brother (homemade cranberry sauce) and my sister (pies, pies and more pies), her husband and their three pre-teen and teenage daughters (cheesecake). My husband’s two sisters, one (roasted shrimp) with her husband and her grad school son, the other (stuffed mushrooms and sweet potatoes) with her husband, two out of school but working (Yay!) sons, and Elsie, her mother-in-law, will all be joining the group. And then there’s my stepson (18lbs of mashed potatoes!) with his fiancée, Nicole, who is already expecting our next grandchild but I’m not counting her/him. Add to that Nicole’s stepdad; Irene (birthday 2), my mother’s friend since childhood (very special since both my parents can only make it in spirit) and, of course, Caryl (cheese, olives and breads) and my goddaughter, Catherine (birthday 3), whose sister is away at school in Toronto and won’t be at the table for the first time in years. (Why Canada has to celebrate Thanksgiving in October..?) What we’ll do for the ones we love. I wouldn’t give it up for the world!

Meet our 1st 2nd Life Profile: Susan Lynton, Part 2

We were talking about how your personal and home life has changed with your second life.

Well, and I have more time to spend at my home in a small village in Provence. It’s an old house that was actually refurbished on its original medieval foundation. I bought it ten years ago and completely renovated it as a safe haven for me to retreat to and as an investment. I had lived in Spain as a child and my daughter was married in France and I think France has the best medical care which is important to me and my husband.

We also recently did a major renovation on our house in Westchester (NY) just because we have lived here for so long and things were falling apart. We took a chance with a young architect and aside from the repairs and a new roof, we added a new garage, closets and an apartment for my mother who lives in Texas and will be visiting more often. We also opened up the overall space and painted everything white. It’s airier now and I feel I have more space to breath. And I had already done over my bathrooms. I love my shower with its massage jets. It’s where I get my best ideas for my novels……the stories I’m spinning and the characters I’m creating come together there. It’s where they first become my friends.


What about friends….your real living friends not the characters from your books? 

I have lots of friends, some dating back to my childhood but fewer friends close to home except when I’m in France. There are a lot of expats in my small village community and it’s easier to have and hold friendships there. The atmosphere is more conducive to long walks and chats in outdoor cafes and town squares. I started my non-profit with friends from my village and you will find aspects of their personalities in the characters from my novel. 

What are your thoughts on aging?

On a good day I don’t think about it. On a bad day I think I have every cancer imaginable. Seriously, I like the natural way European women age. They don’t feel the need to look 20 years younger. Women who take care of their bodies naturally are more appealing and real than those who feel the need to have plastic surgery. My mother is 86 but looks 15 to 20 years younger because she’s still active and engaged. But I do still dye my hair and last time as a kind of homage to my age I did have my colorist leave the gray around my ears. Any final words for the other members of our community? 

I think if you keep engaged as I’ve been saying it’s possible to be happier and more fulfilled in one’s second life. Thanks to advances in medical care and technology we can change our direction midstream. It’s great to be part of a community and a generation that has this opportunity. 

Meet our 1st 2nd Life Profile: Susan Lynton

Susan Lynton grew up in a military family and had the usual experiences that come with that kind of a life, like living in a few countries and many states and attending 12 different schools before college. She had already been a film producer/writer and mother before entering the corporate world around the dotcom era and eventually being downsized. Now she’s returned to her first love, writing, and just completed her first novel.  Maryl had a chance to ask her more about how she’s conducting her second life.

Was there an event or an “aha” moment when you realized that your life needed to change?

Second Look: Charlotte Rampling

“You wake up one day, and you’re one day older,” says Charlotte Rampling. “You either accept it or you don’t.” Aging is just one of many topics including love, death and desire that the cult actress discusses in the new biographical documentary, “Charlotte Rampling: The Look".  Her musings are intercut with scenes from her many films, among them “Georgy Girl”, "The Verdict”, and “Under the Sand”.

The documentary is hardly a monologue, however. Director Angelina Maccarone brought together family, friends and confidantes—presumably of Rampling’s choosing--to stimulate the conversations. In one of the film’s segments on the subject of beauty, author Paul Auster tells Rampling, who turned 65 this year, she is as attractive now as at any age--and then quickly adds, like my wife (the writer, Siri Hustvedt). Described as an “exotic beauty” with “chilly sensuality” by reviewers, Rampling acknowledges in the documentary that she has avoided plastic surgery because, she says, everyone ends up looking the same. Her sultry hooded eyes may eventually keep her from seeing, she admits.

Earlier this year at Rome’s film festival where “Eye of the Storm”, another of her new films was screening, Rampling answered reporters' questions about growing older as an actress. “Who wants to grow old? Who wants to get lines?” In the movie, she plays a dying wealthy woman in her 70s in a dysfunctional family.” Rampling said that by allowing herself the “luxury” of being old, even ugly and unattractive while acting brought “extraordinary” rewards to the role. Rampling seems to have bypassed the film industry’s notorious age discrimination. Along with the documentary, she appears in two films that will be out soon. One is “Julia”, a thriller directed by her son Barnaby Southcombe. (In “The Look”, she and her son spar in some edgy but endearing acting exercises.) In the other movie “Melancholia“ from Lars von Trier, she plays the director’s now deceased mother whom he hated when she was alive.

Rampling has never shied away from controversial roles, whether it was “Max Mon Amour” where the title character was a gorilla or the infamous “The Night Porter". Legendary critic Pauline Kael described Rampling’s role in that movie as “degrading to women.” More recently, New York Times reviewer Stephen Holder said about Rampling in “The Look”: she's “an endlessly watchable mystery, an aloof but affable sphinx.”

Caryl and Maryl discover: The Fountain of Youth

When we started Second Lives Club, one of our goals was to destigmatize aging. At first we couldn’t believe that we ourselves had crossed the border into a scary new decade. We didn’t feel our age, we hoped we didn’t look it, and our lives certainly didn’t resemble those of our parents when they were our age. We—and many of our friends -- were starting new careers, learning new skills (from Arabic to Bach to blogging), still raising children thru their prolonged adolescence (and often still living at home), traveling the world, running triathlons and falling in love all over again. Sometimes when we looked in the mirror we didn’t quite recognize ourselves but there was no denying the fire in our eyes and in our bellies. We had enough enthusiasm and energy for at least two lives. Through triumphs and tragedies, twists and turns, we have found our way and learned from our successes as well as our failures to create a more meaningful, joyful life. A second life. Why should we hide our beautiful, older faces?

One of our favorite bloggers, Tish Jett from “A Femme d'un Certain Age,” has been publishing photos from her readers in a glorious gallery of “Your Faces Through the Ages” for the last couple of weeks. It's been a refreshing change from the bombardment of images of women we often see in the media. (Think young, thin, vacant.) The women on Tish’s blog are in their 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s. They have in common the insatiable urge to continue to make more of their lives. And, they share, in the vocabulary of the site: “A joive de vivre.”

When we started Second Lives Club less than a year ago and with more than a little trepidation, we each chose a nom de plume for our individual posts and showed ourselves only in silhouette. Well, we’ve come out of the shadows (see About Us), and we are taking our "banner" women with us (see About Them) into the limelight. We will be continuing to add new photos to the banner. So be sure to check often. You may even see yourself (Mary Kay!!!). And, soon we will also be launching profiles of women describing their

second lives in their own words with trademark honesty, humor and humility.

While we are talking about coming out and owning our age, we got brave and sent a photo (see above) to “A Femme d'un Certain Age.” Thank you, Tish, for adding us to your sorority. “You look so happy,” Jett wrote in an email informing us she had posted the picture. “Maybe reinvention really is the true fountain of youth. Who knew?”

Caryl reads: The Red Book

Someone recently gave me the galleys of a novel that comes out next spring called “The Red Book”. The reason for this unanticipated gift was because of my fascination with all things Harvard. (More about that later). The eponymous Red Book, for those unfamiliar with this tome, is a collection of short essays (three to five paragraphs is the suggested length), prompted by the Harvard alumni office and written by former students summing up their professional and personal accomplishments over the previous half-decade. These mini-memoirs are then published in a hard-bound book with a bright red cover and poured over by those who contributed (and those who declined) to see how they measure up against the only meaningful cohort—their classmates from the same year.

Author Deborah Copaken Kogan (Harvard, Class of ‘88) uses fictional entries from the red book as a structural prop to follow four Harvard women and their classmates as they come together for their 20^th reunion weekend in June, 2009. Two decades after graduation, these women have for the most part all the accoutrements that accompany an ivy league degree: important jobs, successful marriages to successful men, brilliant children, beautiful houses, and second homes in beautiful places. But over the last few years, the real world--a deep recession, the deaths of parents, spouses and friends, infidelities and infertility—have begun to intrude. The women are faced with the inevitable mid-life question for which even a Harvard education doesn't provide an answer: What’s it all about?

Kogan's novel unfolds with even more questions. Should a high-powered banker leave her husband for her freshman boyfriend and first love? Should a stay-at-home mother of four children figure out a way to follow her deepest passion--the stage? Should the perfect wife mother and former Harvard "it girl" come out as a lesbian and start a business to support her family? Should a widowed foreign correspondent forgive her philandering new boyfriend and have his baby? These are just some of the plot twists Kogan's characters face. Each woman inevitably has to deconstruct her own biography and figure out how to rewrite or edit her life so the next entry in the red book will reflect more accurately the life she truly wants to be living. Or, as we like to say here at our blog: Your consciously-constructed second life. By the end of the book, Kogan’s four Harvard women of the Apocalypse are well on their way. The book concludes with future entries to the red book on the occasion of their 25^th reunion. And, these newly-examined lives of the four women are well-worth reading.

* * * * *

By the way, I am thinking of writing my own entry summing up my past five years. The University of Dayton (where I got my BA) couldn’t care less but I think it will be instructive, at least for me. I am already realizing how much I’ve accomplished in terms of living authentically in the last half-decade. Why don’t you do a quick sub-total yourself? You can't see anything looking forward--the future's mostly white space--but the past can be illuminating.

(Photo Caption: Some of my red books, from left: my Kate Spade planner from 2005, my Filofax from 2002, my Kindle (a Christmas gift from my daughters, 2008), On Becoming a Person by Carl W. Rogers, copyright 1961 ( from the Chicago public library taken out --and never returned--OMG!!! --1972), The Red Book by Deborah Copaken Kogan, copyright 2012; front center:my lizard Smyson date book from 2010, my Smyson address book (a Valentine's Day gift, 2009)

Post Script: If you want to sample Kogan's writing, see Second Thoughts for her non-fiction memoir.

Maryl supports: The Occupy Wall Street protests

I'm thinking of joining the Wall Street rally this week.  Something about it just seems right.  Maybe it's taking me back to our protests of the 70's or maybe I'm just fed up with the continuing self-serving and unchecked trickery of the financial community.  I had recently been in several discussions with friends about our economic crisis and the lack of accountability and corrective measures being taken for the future.  And that “the people” would need to take a stand since our politicians and civic leaders haven’t a clue or the clout or the inclination to do so.  Then  Occupy Wall Street happened and I was reminded of my earlier days when protest rallies for peace and women, racial and gay rights were fairly common.  What had happened since then?  Was it complacency or a better quality of life that had moved us back from the brink of despair and frustration.

I was delighted and supportive to see this effort being made but ambivalent when my daughter said she was going to Wall Street to find out what it was about and take pictures.  The media really only began to more fully cover the event after last Saturday’s arrest of 700 protesters.  I was nervous but felt I couldn’t keep her from experiencing one of our inalienable rights to protest and speak out….as long as we don’t stop commerce or traffic or provoke the nice policemen.  After all my parents didn’t object when I took off with friends to Washington DC to rally against the Viet Nam war. 

There’s a lot more organizing that is needed and goals and demands must be clarified before this Wall Street movement can have any kind of a positive impact.  But it's only three weeks old and already  the numbers are building and the rallies spreading rapidly across the nation.  Could it be a counterweight to the Tea Party movement or a way to pressure Congress to do something about regulation and job creation?  Wall Street workers (most of whom work uptown) have become vocal defending their work ethics and comparing themselves to those making up the 99%.  I’d hate to see the discourse going down this road and becoming personal.  The issues are with the financial institutions as a whole that are not going to self-regulate or change their marketing of products that have made them wealthy.  That’s got to come from somewhere else.  That's why I'm thinking of joining the Occupy Wall Street rally this week. It's the least I can do and it actually feels like the right thing to do....again.

All photos by Svetlana Blasucci

Maryl finds: Five fall fashion trends for all ages and sizes

What’s in my closet for fall?  I’ve attended Fashion’s Night Out; was early to the Jill Sander (+J) designer launch at Uniqlo; was one of the multitudes repeatedly kicked off the Target website for their latest Missoni designer promotion; shopped all my favorite department stores, boutiques, web sites and my closet.  (Caryl even stood in line at the new Century 21 grand opening.)  I’ve assessed the fall fashion looks through the second life filter and here’s my findings.  There's five trends that are fitting for all ages and sizes and that can take us through fall and winter 2011-12.  They are:

 1)    Simple sweaters and skirts (or pants).  They’re never out of style, just don’t pick out another black cardigan like Caryl!  So I did manage to score a couple of Missoni pieces which will work great with brown and black skirts I had from past seasons.  (In fact the black one is also Missoni but purchased at an end of season sale at Sak’s.)

2)      Tall black leather boots.   I mean real talllll….almost thigh high and you don’t need a heel.  What could be sexier aside from a thick platformed highhhh heel but who can walk in them?  (I’m not that well balanced – I can barely do tree in yoga class!)  I found these boots discounted at a department store outlet (Neiman Marcus)…probably there because they seemed like too much boot.  But not so.  The best news is that they fit up and over my calves.  I finally have a boot that I can wear over my pants without the zipper getting stuck half way up.

       Dior                                  Kate Spade                     Michael Kors

 3)      Reptile shoes or handbags or both, preferably black and white or two contrasting tones.  It’s the new "leopard print" for this year.  Of course the real thing will cost you in the four digits range but the reptile leather printed versions are quite attractive as well.  I have that Michael Kors tote in a shopping cart right now online at Bloomingdale’s!

Pendant against teal (the new black) dress

 4)      Long chain with a big pendant.  There’s some fabulous jewelry designers and stylists at work out there but who has the time to pile all those necklaces and bracelets and rings on?  Simplify!  I’ve seen quite a number of dresses and sweaters adorned with an effortless long chain – about 36 inches  - and an easy swinging pendant.  I just attached a couple of chains I found in my jewelry box and added a large locket.  I’m also eyeing one by designer AlexisBittar.  (Accessories are what differentiate you and make people take notice.  Shop your basic dresses, skirts and pants in your closet and make them look new with powerful accessories.)

Black wool +J sheath 

 5)      Fur accents.  I apologize now if this is offending anyone but if it’s any consolation the trend is not full length fur coats but fur trimmed coats, dresses, boots, handbags, gloves even jewelry.  Fur around collars and cuffs on coats and dresses isn’t anything new although the coats I’ve seen lately have the cuffs trimmed to the elbows and the collars plain with the fur on the bottom almost to the waist.  But an elegant fur collar on a simple coat and dress does wonders to not only liven it up but to take the focus away from a worrisome neck and chin line.

What to wear for fall?  It's really easy.  Shop the stores, the web and most important your closet; mix the old with the new, patterns with your basics, reptiles, fur - faux or real if you like - topped or rather bottomed off with more boot than you're used to. And don't forget the importance of accessories-- some safe choices (sentimental lockets) or not (Lucite baubles).  Fall wardrobe 2011 done; case closed!!

Caryl takes: A SECOND LOOK

Is she or isn't she? That's one of the questions.

This week's New York Magazine reprises the famous--or maybe infamous--cover of a pregnant, naked Demi Moore on Vanity Fair some years back. The New York cover, like the story inside "Parents of a Certain Age", is bound to stir some debate (but probably not about the nudity this time). The cover headline queries: "Is She Just Too Old For This? New parents over 50--child-rearing's final frontier." Writer Lisa Miller (herself a first-time mother in her 40s) tells the real-life stories of new mothers who conceived in late middle age. The article asks: "Is there anything wrong with being 53 and pregnant?"

I have another question: Is the woman on the cover a journalistic example of later-life pregnancy--or is she a modern miracle of photo-shopping? And, if the latter is the case, is there anything wrong with a magazine that tampers with reality to sell copies? A provocative story gets a provocative cover? Hmmm. . . I have many thoughts but let's hear yours first. What do you think of the cover? True or false? And, what do you think of the topic? What age do you think is the medical and/or moral ceiling for conception?

Caryl & Maryl post: Rewards of Change

Several months ago we asked some of our followers or some whom we wanted as followers to give us their opinions of our blog. We promised that there would be a prize for filling out the brief questionnaire we sent. All but a few of you sent in smart, thoughtful, clear answers and fresh, innovative ideas for making Second Lives Club a site you’d find useful and inspirational enough to return to a couple times a week. Since Caryl was on her way to India at the time, we hinted that the item would be from the subcontinent.

Did you think we forgot? Did you think we’d break our promise of a prize? Did you think the world doesn’t reward change? Of course, not. Being a member of the Second Lives Club means being there for each other in ways grand and small, helping one and other to make the changes necessary for a meaningful, productive, joyful new life.

Speaking of changes, we’ve made a few here on our site based on your input. Here’s a few you can notice right away: We changed the banner to reflect the women whose second lives we applaud in our posts. We’ve put our names in the headlines so you know upfront which one of us is writing. And, as you’ll discover in future posts, we heard you when you asked for more humor, more real life examples, more honesty about issues we face in the years ahead. And, more fun! We’ve even come out of the shadows as some of you requested . Click on About Us where you will find short bios and—yes—even our pictures.

(FYI: There was much debate about the photos. In the end, in the tradition of Second Looks, there’s a photo of us from a lifetime ago and a second life snapshot. Caryl still hates her current photo but Maryl reminded her that 20 years from now she’ll be saying how good she looks.)

We’re sending out the gifts (see above) along with our thanks this week. They are wrapped in Ikat fabric from Orissa, the fabric is hand-woven by the villagers, the dyes are natural and the patterns generations old.. (See: Welcome to the Third World Club). We hope you like them and will think of us when you wear them. And, if any of our new visitors want to share suggestions for and opinions of our blog, just leave a comment below. We still have a few gifts left. We'd love to send you one. In a future post, we will reveal what's in those ikat-wrapped

packages.

(Oh, and that Buddhist goddess in the picture? She’s White Tara, the goddess of long lives---and of wisdom and compassion. Two attributes all of us need in our second lives.)

Many thanks to all of you who sent your feedback.

Maryl writes: Reserving your mind for later on

I’ve just returned from the opening night of the Willem de Kooning retrospective at MOMA in NYC. It’s an amazingly huge exhibit with over $4 billion of artwork. De Kooning was known for his continual revising of his work and changing his style and he certainly did have a fixation with the female figure. One of his most famous paintings, “Excavation,” completed in 1950, was inspired by the image of a woman working in a rice field, the actress Silvana Mangano in the 1949 film “Bitter Rice.” You can identify different anatomical body parts up close although the film wasn’t released until after the painting was completed. Interestingly enough, the exhibition catalogue points out that in a late 1949 Life Magazine there was an article on the actress as well as one on the excavations of NYC subway stations at the time. Interesting how the mind works.    

"Excavation," Willem de Kooning

And the mind was working overtime for de Kooning in his last period of work. It is well documented that he was suffering from dementia by then although it’s impossible to determine if these later lean and less colorful canvases were just another style change or the products of a deteriorating mind. I discussed this a bit with the show’s curatorial assistant (and my cousin, so proud of her). Lauren came upon the concept of “cognitive reserve” in her research on the artist. "The way that some people process information, the brain networks they use, allows them to cope better," according to a Catherine M. Roe, research instructor in neurology at Washington University School of Medicine in St Louis. Basically the more cognitive reserve (CR) one has the less damage they will suffer from beta-amyloid plaques in the brain, the leading marker of Alzheimer’s disease, and the slower the mental decline. And the way you measure CR is based on one’s education level, forms of intellectual activity and occupational attainments.

Nothing more has been defined at this point on what schooling, activities or occupations are the best deterrents against any form of dementia. But isn’t it heartening to know that the steps we can take to protect our minds match the goals of a second life and we’re in control of them both. De Kooning’s final paintings have been described as having flatter surfaces with brilliant ribbons of color and had been recently grouped together in their own exhibition both here and abroad. Thanks to Willem de Kooning foremost for his most expressive art and for showing us that one can lead a full and productive life all the way to the end.

"Untitled," Willem de Kooning, 1983

Recap of links:
     1) De Kooning: A Retrospective at MOMA, NYC
     2) “Bitter Rice,” 1949 film
     3) Cognitive Reserve article

Caryl remembers: 9/11

Ten years ago next Sunday, I boarded a jet scheduled to leave JFK airport at 7A.M. for Atlanta where, as the editor of Real Simple, I was giving a speech to the magazine's advertisers. It was just a turnaround--I'd be home that evening so I had no luggage. I was accompanied by the director of publicity--a working mother who was leaving her infant daughter behind in the city for the first time. We made it there but we didn't make it back for five days, and we returned to a city and a nation that would never be the same. As one of my close friends and a writer for the magazine said at the time: "The new frontier is vulnerability." Here is the editor's note I wrote for Real Simple a decade ago following the attack on America.

September 11, 2001, marked my 19th anniversary. We had our wedding reception in the loft we had just purchased in a newly gentrifying neighborhood called Tribeca. The loft had a stunning view of the lower-Manhattan skyline: the gilded angel atop City Hall, the ornate scallops of the Woolworth Building, the simple strength of the twin towers of the World Trade Center.

My daughters grew up in the shadows of those buildings, attending neighborhood schools, playing soccer and baseball on the Battery Park field. In 1993, when a parking garage below the towers was bombed, I raced to P.S. 234 to retrieve my daughter Annie, then in kindergarten. One halloween several years ago, stumped for a costume, my husband and I took two empty refrigerator cartons, painted some windows, punched out eyeholes, stuck an antenna atop his box, and proudly marched with the kids in the local parade as the World Trade Center. Last June my older daughter, Catherine, celestial in a white dotted-swiss dress, attended her high school prom at Windows on the World, on the 106th floor.

The terrorists attacked the World Trade Center, the newspapers said, because it was a symbol of American capitalism. It was a personal symbol for me. On September 11, at 8:45 A.M. Eastern time, I was aboard a Delta jet flying to Atlanta to give a speech for Real Simple. Annie was attending her world-history class at Berkeley Carroll, her new high school in Brooklyn. Catherine, a freshman at Occidental College in Los Angeles, was fast asleep in her dorm room.

I mourn the loss of all the lives taken in the World Trade Center tragedy--and I mourn the life I lost as well. When I close my eyes, I can still see the Twin Towers. And when I look at my two teenage daughters, strong and tall, I strain to picture their future.




Postscript:
My daughter just posted her remembrances of 9/11 in a video on iVillage where she is an Associate Editor.  Her future has become clearer.