Second Chances, Happy Endings and Free Stuff

Caryl adds: Plus everything you need to know about creative aging in 10 steps! 

Frieda is the leading lady (one might say diva dog) in Jon Kat'z  new book Second Chance Dog: A Love Story 

This is a dog story. It’s not my dog story. Mine is tragic. When my children were small, they campaigned for a dog. After much consideration and a written plea by my older daughter listing reasons why our family needed a dog and what kind of breed would meet her parents’ criteria—not too big, not too small, doesn’t shed etc.-- my husband and I gave in. Friday, a medium-size, non-shedding—(we forgot to mention no baying at the moon!) beagle with floppy ears, soulful eyes and a tail that stood up like a flag on the back of a bicycle, came to live with us. Fast forward a few years: my husband decides to take a job in Prague, and I am left with two children, a demanding job and an animal menagerie: a cat (Fritz), two birds (Feather and Sunshine), a hampster (Petey) and Friday, a dog that needed to be walked on the mean streets of New York late at night. I admit with shame, remorse and some embarrassment, I couldn’t handle it by myself. I couldn't leave my children alone to walk a dog no matter how persuasive were those soulful eyes. So Friday went to live with my in-laws in Cleveland where she enjoyed a fenced-in back yard, home-cooked meals and the adoration of empty-nesters.

But that’s not the dog story I am here to tell you.  The dog story I want to share is a happy one—and it’s about Frieda, the dog pictured above, and how she brought together two Second Lifers who learned about the resilience of love from a four-legged outcast who ran wild in the Adirondacks until she was rescued.

Losing Mentors, Moving Closer to the Top

Maryl moves up a rung on the ladder of life.

Immie Fiorentino                                                               Arnie Lazarus

Both my husband and I lost mentors this past week. I use the term informally in that mine was someone I first learned of from a college textbook and then had the privilege to work with on a number of projects.  Immie was especially fun to have lunch with too. Allen’s adviser was a professor in his doctoral program and a leader in his field who my husband went into business with for a while.  Arnie was the star attraction at dinner parties. We hadn’t seen either of them recently but realizing a person you looked up to and learned from is gone can be unsettling.  It was comforting to know that at long as they were still there thriving we still had lots of time and opportunity to achieve our goals as well.  

A Cruise to Bermuda and Empowerment

Marsha explains how a journey to an island can take you much further than you thought

A few months ago, my husband, Donald and I took a group of friends, family and clients on a luxury cruise to the beautiful island of Bermuda. Donald is a travel agent (Haygood Travel) and I am a career/ life coach and motivational speaker (StepWise Associates). We thought it would be a treat to combine our business expertise and have some fun on the Royal Caribbean Explorer of the Seas.

Diana Nyad Sets A Record at 64

First Person to Swim from Cuba to Florida Without a Shark Cage

1978                                                                                      2013

Earlier today Diana Nyad successfully completed her fifth attempt to swim between Cuba and the U.S.  When I last wrote about Diana, she was preparing for her third try at this life long quest that began in 1978.  As she walked on to the beach at Key West with her swollen face and dehydrated body, she managed to get out a statement - a philosophy - for all to hear: 

"I've got three messages:"

One is, we should never, ever give up.

Two is, you're never too old to chase your dream.

Three is, it looks like a solitary sport, but it is a team.


As a second lifer, I feel her joy and triumph. And I believe in her personal philosophy and that you, this second life community, are my team.

Three Women Sculptors - True Artists with Some Engineering Expertise on the Side

Maryl marvels at the magnitude of their sculptures

Nathalie Decoster                                     Carol Friedmann                                    Carolyn Palmer 

So do these three women look like engineers to you?  I had the occasion to experience eye-opening work of two female sculptors on my recent trip to France and a similar encounter with another in our own neck of the woods. Nathalie Decoster who works in Paris sculpts figures in bronze - although she is beginning to work with other materials – that represent man confronting time and nature. Gloria Friedmann, originally from Germany who also works in France, is a sculptor, painter, photographer and videographer who interprets man against nature, culture and humanity. Carolyn Palmer is a New York portrait artist who creates life-size bronze busts and statues. As I walked around and admired their art pieces it occurred to me that these are also engineering feats and that artists need to know some sciences along with their arts. You may remember the media frenzy Lawrence Summers, then President of Harvard, set off when inferring that innate differences between the genders may be the reason so few women scientists make it to the top.  I'm not looking to open up that debate but maybe we're not measuring female aptitude in the right places.  Anyway, just take a look at these sculptures for yourselves and enjoy their magnitude and beauty. 

GREETINGS FROM ASBURY PARK – THEN AND NOW

Maryl revives summer days from her past, so welcome in this heat!

Then                                                                              Now

Caryl and I just spent a few days at my house at the Jersey shore mapping out some new ideas for Second Lives Club. I live a few towns north of Asbury Park, where years ago my high school friends and I would take the bus in for a day of sun and sand. That seaside community took a beating from Superstorm Sandy last October just like the rest of the surrounding beaches although Asbury Park’s past has been a bit of a roller coaster ride all along.

Porcelain Bones--and Remembrance of Mothers Past

“ELIZABETH COHEN’S STUDIO—1″ © JUDITH ROSS

In a potter's studio, Judith Ross finds a fragile reminder of loss and love

Last winter, I hung up the phone after a brief chat with my stepmother and burst into tears. “Why so sad?” I wondered.

Plagued by Parkinson’s Disease, she was about to turn 89. The sadness I felt after hearing her faint voice leak across the wires made sense. But since then, I’ve also realized that my grief went much, much deeper.

Pursuing Purpose, Passion and a Paycheck

Laura Lee Carter                                        Dana Buchman                                     Marci Alboher

Caryl recounts real stories of real women looking for the next thing

There’s a reason the word mid-life is often coupled with crisis. The years between 45 to 65 are often filled with loss—loss of a job, a marriage, a parent—but also a loss of identity. With children grown, careers stalled, relationships sometimes stagnating, as thinking women we know a fancy new sportscar or a Madmen-like affair would never be the answer. No, we are looking for something bigger, more profound, something truly life--maybe even world--changing. And, we wouldn’t mind some money too. The three women above have found purpose, passion and a paycheck in their second lives. Their stories provide inspiration, direction--and hope.

Joyce Carol Oates: Love, Loss and Just Saying Yes

Joyce Carol Oates, the prolific American author and feminist, whose new book The Accursed, which Stephen King praised as the "perhaps the world's first post-modern gothic novel", sat down with Caryl early this year for her first pre-publication interview. The conversation veered from vampires, demons and zombies to love, loss and the importance of saying yes to life. In February, 2008, after the death of her husband, the woman whose first collection of short stories came out a half century ago and whose canon includes more than 100 books and articles, found her self blocked, unable to write a single word of fiction. Raymond J. Smith, her soulmate of 35 years and her publishing partner in The Ontario Review, had died suddenly of complications from pneumonia two days after a routine visit to the ER. Oates found herself paralyzed, depressed, unable to sleep, shut down by the “ontological shock” of widowhood. What saved her was not turning her experience into a memoir –which she did eventually in A Widow’s Story but rather a simple coping strategy that could help all of us who are stalled, stunted or scared, all of us who want to move forward towards a second life, one that is not shaped by loss but informed by it, one we live fully with our eyes—and hearts-- wide open.

Gloria Steinem Comes Out: What's Her Next Frontier

(Photo:  Ms. Foundation)

Yes, that’s Gloria Steinem at work at Ms., the feminist magazine she and a dedicated crew (see picture below) founded more than 40 years ago.  Hers was one of the stories featured in Makers: Women Who Make America, the PBS documentary on the last 50 years of the women’s movement that aired earlier this week.  (If you missed it you can watch it online; here’s the PBS link.)  The New York Times review dubbed Gloria the star.  But now she's off to the next frontier. 

Maryl commits: To New Year Results Not Resolutions

 Here we are feet back at the starting line, with a clean slate in hand, heart in the right place, head on straight ready to start the yearly cycle over again. At least in our second lives we don’t have to repeat the folly of our past New Year’s resolutions that may have pictured a slimmer, richer, smarter, more caring and newly promoted vision of ourselves but didn’t quite capture our innermost dreams and desires. Whether our goals were honestly honed or not, barely half of us will still be working toward them halfway through the year. But I’ve got three new tactics to beat those odds for 2013. 

Caryl pleads: "Give me a light" to see clearly in 2013

Three days into 2013 and already I am feeling like the "man who stood at the gate of the year".  Do you know what I am talking about? Can you guess who asked: "Give me a light that I may tread into the unknown"? The final months of 2012 were bleak with a devastating natural disaster here on the East Coast, unspeakable crimes at home (Newtown, Ct.) and abroad (New Delhi, India) and my own dark night of the soul. Following Superstorm Sandy, my 83-year-old friend in Cambridge, England sent me a poem made famous by George VI in his Christmas speech  in 1937 (and later in the movie "The King's Speech) . Darkness abounded that season as well. The British empire was not only on the cusp of a new year but another world war. The king, hardly a compelling speaker, quoted from a poem that his daughter, then princess Elizabeth, had given him.  The poem was titled "God Knows", and it was written by Minnie Louise Hawkins, who taught economics in the first half of the of the  20th century.

Judith writes: Holiday Traditions Aren’t Just for Kids

By Guest Blogger, Judith A. Ross

“A hint of light”

Every year since he left home, a few weeks before Christmas, our younger son, our very own Kris Kringle, sends us a message. And every year, he asks the same question, “Have you bought a tree yet?” 

For a Jewish girl growing up in a decidedly WASP town in Massachusetts, a Christmas tree, and not a Chanukah menorah, on display in the living room was an object of both scorn and envy. 

Maryl presents: Gifting and Regifting Ideas

How's the Holiday buildup going for you?  I'm hoping not to repeat last year when it was touch and go up to the finish line.  It's the gift buying that I find the most time-consuming and frustrating.  How do you not repeat buying the same thing you bought for a brother-in-law last year?  You would think in my second life I'd have this down pat and not be panting my way to Christmas Day.  I'm streamlining the exercise this year though.

Maryl recaptures: Her Youth in the Caribbean

Three weeks ago my husband and I crossed the river we view from our coop and boarded a cruise ship headed to four Caribbean islands. I will preface this post by saying that we’re not your habitual cruise vacationers. Typically the people you meet on the ships are on their third, fifth even tenth cruise. We had taken one before with our daughter to Alaska, which while it was great fun, we agreed we like spending more time than an eight-hour stopover in the various cities and countries we visit. But I was taken with the idea of being able to travel without having to go to an airport and instead getting on a ship we see going in and out of the harbor every week. And that ship was visiting four islands we had planned vacations at in our youth when we first became a couple. 

Vote Like Your Women's Rights Depended On It

1964                                                                                           2012

Who doesn't remember the memorable words of Lesley Gore's "You Don't Own Me".  She recorded the song in 1964 at age 18, not old enough to vote.  Nearly a half century later Gore has produced a version that is an anthem for women's rights.  By voting today, our impact will be felt and our voices will be heard. Over 50% of those voting in the 2008 Presidential elections were women, and over 50% were 45 and older. It is estimated that 10 million more women and men will vote in this election. We're still fighting for the same issues that we were when Gore originally recorded this song. Listen to this chorus of women of many ages.  When women vote, women win!

Maryl survives: Hurricane Sandy on the High Seas

This next post was to be about my husband and I rediscovering the playgrounds of our youth in the Caribbean. I finished a draft while still onboard our cruise ship, the Norwegian Gem, but will post at a later date. Right now I feel more compelled to write about the devastation of other playgrounds--those of our earlier youth, as a high school friend put it. St. Thomas, Puerto Rico and St. Martin experienced some of the storm surge but the New Jersey boardwalks of Point Pleasant, Seaside Heights, Asbury Park and Atlantic City--where I spent fond summers in my teens and 20s-- are gone.

Caryl considers: What We Have To Look Forward To

Bel Kaufman, who is 101, is a teacher, an author --she wrote her first novel, Up the Down Staircase, at 50 and the wife of a younger man (he's 95). I came across her profile in the August issue of Vogue, my favorite issue of the year because it's "the age issue".  Consider this month's cover line:  Wonder Women from 28 to 101.  The far end of that galaxy is Bel--and here's what she has to say in her own words about this stage of life:

Maryl trains: To follow her dreams

That’s not a picture of Diana Nyad, the championship long distance swimmer training to cross the Straits of Florida. It’s only me getting ready to swim across my pool. We just opened it for the summer and I’m looking forward to jumping in, stretching out my muscles and gliding to the other side and back and back. I remember being afraid as a child to put my face in the water at summer camp. Now I do multiple strokes without taking it out and have completed three Danskin Women Triathlons. Was it easier when we were younger to overcome our fears and do the unthinkable?

Caryl recounts: Anna Quindlen and Me

I met Anna Quindlen, Pulitzer prize-winning journalist, author and, according to her newest book jacket copy, America’s laureate of real life, when we were both young mothers. Anna lived in Hoboken, and I lived in a Greenwich Village brownstone on the property of St. Luke’s where her children went to school. She’d schlep her children by path train across the Hudson River to the school yard. I could watch her from my kitchen window give her kids one last kiss, sometimes several last kisses, another hug. (I also remember watching Anna Wintour, Vogue’s editor, arrive by town car to drop her children. I don’t remember kisses.) On those same school mornings, I’d wait with my girls and our over-eager beagle puppy for the bus to their public school in Tribeca. At least once, Anna (Quindlen, not Wintour) came upstairs for a cup of coffee, and we talked about our lives in our 30s.