Thursday, August 16, 2012

Maryl returns: Back to and from College

My daughter Svetlana and I just returned from a little road trip this week. You can read about it below or on Huffington Post. The site's editors thought it was worth sharing with other parents of college-age students. College is a great learning experience for parents as well as the student. 


It’s that time of year again. Where did the summer go? The back-to-school ads and college checklists from Bed, Bath & Beyond, Walmart and Target are everywhere. Parents all across the nation are packing up their SUV’s or other over-sized cars with mini-refrigerators, bed linens and risers, bulletin boards, computers, printers, desk lamps, stationery, storage boxes, cleaning supplies, snacks and general dorm room décor and driving their sons and daughters to the campuses of their choice or at least their second or third choice. 


We too will be driving our daughter up to her New England liberal arts college with the ivy-covered buildings and hallowed halls. But once there we will be repacking our car with her mini-refrigerator, bed linens and risers, bulletin board, computer, desk lamp, etc. and returning home with her and all her belongings. She will not be returning to this idyllic setting despite the two years of visiting schools, extra SAT tutoring and prodigious resumes and applications.


My daughter had been asked to “take a year off” by her college administration for the past fall and spring semesters. She actually failed only one course but her lack of attention to course requirements and response to her teachers and deans was more telling. She was drowning and didn’t know how to ask for help and it was a lot easier to hang out on campus or train it up to Boston. Was the school not right for her or did she need some serious maturing? Or had I gotten so caught up in the college acceptance frenzy that I had put unrealistic demands and expectations on her?



Ferpa waivers may be in order

Her bombed out Freshman year wasn’t the worst of it. She had been outright lying to us about her performance and in a big way. My husband and I were totally in the dark and yes I suppose naïve (you don’t want to believe your child is deceiving you) about her cover ups both semesters. In high school you are privy to your child’s grades but not so in college. A FERPA (Federal Educational Rights and Privacy Act) form must be signed to waive that right. And in addition professors would prefer not to deal with parents. We were about to leave on a European trip right after Christmas when we found out that she wasn’t expected back after the holiday break. She had intercepted all the emails and registered letters and so our first night in Berlin we were on the phone with her dean persuading him to allow her to return with promises that she would improve to everyone’s satisfaction.


We travelled to see her several times during her spring semester to encourage her and make sure she was performing but the exact same situation reoccurred. She knew it and was afraid to tell us. We brought her home at the end of the school year and were all on the edge of our seats awaiting her grades, which by our calculations could prove promising but she knew otherwise. Which is why just before the grades were posted, she ran away – for the first time - at the age of 19.


She wouldn’t answer her phone. She wouldn’t talk to us let alone tell us where she was. My husband and I started playing detective. When you’re paying for someone’s cell phone bill you get to see who he or she is texting and calling. With that information plus phone and reverse number lookups, Facebook and five different police departments, we found her a few days later. Apparently there was a boy involved but when the Boston police department shows up at your front door, it kind of kills the romance.



A gap year may be instructive

After picking her up we all needed some time to compose ourselves. The trust issue aside, we began the long and arduous task of trying to figure out what she would do next. Did she want to return to her college? Did she want to go to college at all? Did she want to work for a while? Should she take some non-matriculated courses? Maybe a Gap Year type program would be instructive? More important my daughter had to come up with her own plan.


The parent-chlld relationship was very tense during this period. She had lied to us repeatedly. How could we trust her again let alone finance another year of her college education? What was surprising for me was to learn from close and distant friends and even minute-old acquaintances (I was pretty upset and it was all I could think about) that college students often take detours yet can still wind up earning degrees in the end. One friend’s daughter spent a semester at a not-for-credit art program in Italy before returning to an Ivy League school. A neighbor’s daughter enrolled in a Habitat for the Humanities project for a year. Another friend of a friend’s son endured a wilderness survival experience. Not to mention the college dropouts we know who were doing well but have left prestigious institutions to do what? I recently met a women in my yoga class who had a twist on this dilemma in that her son just kept taking courses but not towards earning a degree.


A college degree is now a 6 year goal

Svetlana saying goodbye to her roommate
This all helps me to more fully understand the U. S. Department of Education’s last survey tracking college students from 1996 to 2001. Six years is now the new standard timeframe for measuring college graduation. Another 2009 government survey found that many college students are not completing college in six years, let alone four. Nearly two of every three students who started college did not graduate from that same college in four years, and that more than 40 percent did not graduate in six. 

It’s been a rough year. My daughter struggled to find a part-time job, as do most young adults. She was unsure of herself, unsure of us. But she loves photography and found herself a number of non-paying internships. Then she got a job as a hostess in a restaurant that is frequented by photographers and models. She was hired to do some freelance assignments and decided she wanted to attend and was accepted at an art school of her own choice close to home.  (Some of her photography is featured on Huffington Post.)

So we have a new plan, one I had nothing to do with unlike the first. Because my daughter will be earning a BFA instead of a BA degree, none of the credits earned during her first freshman year are transferrable. At least three of the five non-matric courses my daughter took over this past “gap” year will be transferred to her new college but we’re basically starting over.


My daughter has a lot of street smarts and can succeed in most things she commits to. Let’s hope she’s not good just at getting into schools but gets better in fulfilling their requirements and graduating. So that $50K that was suppose to have imparted her with much knowledge and gotten her one-quarter towards her college degree is for naught or is it? We’ve yet to see if she has learned from her mistakes…fingers crossed. But here’s what I learned: 1) to stand back a bit and see which direction my daughter moves in on her own and 2) to help her understand how much more important it is to be honest in all situations than how to write the best college essay.

Svetlana and her camera
Huffington Post featured some of Svetlana's photography in a slideshow.  Scroll down to the bottom of the post, take a look and let her know what you think.  It would mean a lot to her...and me.  Thanks.

Epilogue:  August 2015, Svetlana graduated this past May with a BFA in Photography from the School of Visual Arts in Manhattan. She was a Dean's List student and worked part time as a freelance photographer and assistant at the International Center of Photography.  Less than two months after graduation Svetlana had a full time position with benefits in her field.  She did it all on her own.  Successfully launched!

22 comments:

  1. Wonderful post, MaryLou. It's amazing how much we learn from our kids. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Ronnie, you're right and the learning never stops!

      Delete
  2. Thank you for being so amazingly honest. All of us parents experience this or something similar and are too embarassed to admit it. Kudos to you and your daughter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Laura, it was cathartic for both of us. We're ready to move on now.

      Delete
  3. I understand your angst and appreciate your sharing this life situation. My only advice would be simple. If you see "cracks" do not dismiss them. In spite of the fact that your daughter is no longer a child, she still is in many ways. I have always remarked that the ages between 18 and 30 are truly the most difficult of life. Our times and culture have changed the way our children view the world. They are confused and somewhat adrift in a world that they feel they must conquer. Of course, we all know that there will be no conquering. Be not afraid to explore, question, and observe. While permitting her to be her own person, let her never forget that she has a strong foundation on which to build her life. These struggles can either strengthen or consume our young adults.

    My experience is different in many ways but I feel I missed some clues or could have done more. My best wishes for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I thought I was letting my daughter explore by sending her to a liberal arts college but the exploring and learning doesn't always come from the classroom. It's interesting you highlight the ages 18 to 30 as being the most difficult. That's especially true now with young adults having to remain at or return home because of the economic environment and high unemployment rate. But we can't beat ourselves up. As has been pointed out, we are all still learning from each other. Best wishes to you and yours also.

      Delete
  4. Thanks for your candor. It helps to realize that we all have struggles...with ourselves and with our children. Those of us who came to parenting later in life, I think, have sometimes had unrealistic expectations for our much beloved children. I know I am struggling to find a balance between letting go and hovering.

    BTW, don't let the comments at Huffpo get you down. It's amazing to me how people can write such vile, insensitive remarks. Who's got time for that?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True Linda, I'm still working on the balancing act. Although with the increased focus on attachment parenting I wonder if this situation will get worse before it gets better. I have to say the comments on HuffPost were tame compared to what I've read there before. The few that weren't made me laugh. Who has the time to vent in this way is right. Thanks much.

      Delete
  5. Both of my children did the 6 year plan for a 4 year degree. Your story sounds so familiar.
    I was embarrassed to share the truth with my "friends", whose children seemed to be sailing through college seamlessly. You are very brave to share your experiences and suspect you are helping other parents who are struggling through that thought time.
    The comments on HP are just vile. Ignorance is everywhere and so is cruelty. Armchair quarterbacks always know the right moves, or so they think.
    My best wishes for your daughters success!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for these thoughtful comments. By my discussing this situation with other parents I realized mine was not a singular problem. The support and ideas I received from them made me comfortable opening up the discussion further. I like to think we are all helping each other here. I was prepared for a different response on HP but felt the opportunity for my daughter to see her photos published was worth it. The continuing HP comments are off on their own now and I don't even think about me. Thanks again.

      Delete
  6. I think this is an honest and thoughtful piece. When I read "...we’re basically starting over." This phrase did not make me think anything negative about any of the involved parties-to me it demonsrates how difficult it is to see what is right in front of us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right because mistakes are not bad, rather learning experiences. It's nice when they don't cost so much but I suppose they have more impact when they do. Thanks.

      Delete
  7. I enjoyed very much Lana's photos especially the composition and quality of the black and white ones. Life is long; I have faith in both mother and daughter.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I could have written that article, only my daughter's story is even worse. Her first semester was spent at a private college, where she lived away from home. Apparently she never went to class, so we made her withdraw at midterm. We moved her back home and enrolled her in the local public college. The same thing happened second semester. She withdrew from all but two classes and ended up earning a D- and an F. We made her take a year off, where she worked 20 hours per week. She was embarassed and told people that she was still attending college. Her lying is one of her biggest problems. I attribute that to the fact that she may suffer from fetal alcohol effects. (She is adopted.) It's hard to know what she is capable of doing. Like your daughter, she is very artistic. Today she is going back to the local university to plead for readmission. She feels that if she can change her major from early childhood education to art, things will be much better. We will see.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our similarities are more than you know. Thank you for sharing this. As you say "we will see."

      Delete
  9. "In high school you are privy to your child's grades but not so in college. A FERPA (Federal Educational Rights and Privacy Act) form must be signed to waive that right." Not exactly. Read this link and check out the answer to #6. Colleges don't generally share this FERPA exception with parents, so more parents should become aware of it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. http://www2.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/faq.html
      (Above is the link -- submitted the previous comment too soon!)

      Delete
    2. Yes, I saw this distinction but felt since my daughter is still a dependent we were covered. We meet with her school administrators next weekend for a parents open house. I plan to go over this with them then. Thanks for pointing out.

      Delete
  10. Thanks for your article. It helps to know we are not alone. My son is currently living back in his childhood bedroom after 2 years at an out of state liberal arts college. This was a kid who always did well in school and would never dream of not turning in an assignment or skipping class. I still don't really know what happened, but apparently after the first quarter of his sophomore year, he just stopped going to class. He, similar to your daughter, didn't want to have to admit that he was now on academic warning, so he just stopped answering our calls, texts and emails at the end of this school term. He finally picked up the phone and admitted what was going on after 10 days of increasing panic on my end (although my daughter is friends with him on Facebook and had seem him active on there so I knew he was alive!). Thanks to AP credits, he is actually close to junior status still, but is it crazy to think he is ready to continue the pursuit of his degree? He is set to finish his general ed at the local community college next week, because in spite of having enough credits to be a junior, he doesn't have enough general ed credits (he was pursuing a science degree) to transfer to a different four year college. Since arriving back home, he has worked 30+ hours a week and seems to be his same old well-spoken intelligent self, so maybe it will all work out. In any cas, as I said, it helps so much to know we are not alone, so thank you again, and please post follow up articles. I'd love to hear how it all works out with your daughter; what worked, what didn't, what you'd do differently... Good luck to you all.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Great stuff Lana. Relationships are heard and telling the truth sometimes scary. I'm glad yours is healing. Love you,
    Barb

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have to remember to stop by here more often than I do. I apologize for not responding sooner.

    I confess that at times I find myself envying the parents of children who are happy and focused. Teens who are not necessarily the smartest, or most popular, but comfortable with who they are, engaged in healthy activities, and putting an honest effort into meeting reasonable expectations. Their parents provide love, emotional and financial support, and reinforce typical boundaries - all those things we learn about in that instructional handbook we receive when we have children. You can’t blame them for thinking this will work all of the time.

    I’m guessing these are the parents who were so harsh and negative in their response on the HP. I think we all went into parenthood thinking that if we provided these things to our children that, in spite of the typical bumps, bruises, and detours that are part of growing up, they would turn out okay; that they would succeed certainly at a level that would allow them to enjoy life and share that joy with others. Why wouldn’t we feel this way? This is how we grew up, and we succeeded.

    The fact is that it doesn’t matter whether you can provide for all of their needs and desires or struggle to pay the rent each month. No amount of love, understanding, faith, discipline, and support can predict how much or how little a child will struggle finding his or her place in life. If you’ve done all these things, you can feel good about yourself for being a good person and even for being a caring parent. But if your children are succeeding, thank God for your good fortune.

    Give Lana my best.

    Bob

    ReplyDelete